|Better Living Through Chemistry
||[Jan. 24th, 2017|05:01 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
That gap must have been the longest span that I haven't posted here in a very long time! Unfortunately, it reflects my state of mind and general capacity for action during that span quite well. Major depression and anxiety symptoms were a daily fight. We've been approaching this in therapy in a really interesting way and I want to write about that soon.
This post, though, is about meeting with a psychiatrist for the first time and getting a new medication. Holy shit! This has been night and day! Four days ago I started on 150mg of Bupropion daily with breakfast to supplement the 20mg of Escitalopram. I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt as good as I did by that first afternoon. The endless, numberless, ever-present little worries and stresses are gone. The things I've worried about are still there, and I know they're still there, and I know that some of them need to be addressed, but I can think about them and prioritize them rationally.
I've been out on my bike three days in a row after months of feeling like putting on my gear was way too much effort. I've gotten four hours of housework for Danae done for three days in a row: it's been a long time since I've done that, and never have I done it with so little anxiety. And at the risk of providing TMI, Danae said that never in our entire relationship have I been, to paraphrase, assertive that way in bed. She said that it made her wonder how much of the time I was anxious during sex. That was an easy question to answer; all of it. I was anxious 100% of the time, during every single instance. It's an amazing thing to have unself-conscious, anxiety-less sex.
I'm supposed to move up to 300mg of Bupropion after the first week, but I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about that first. I'm doing so well on the single tablet that I'm hesitant to change things. I don't want to either be on more meds than I need to be, or more importantly, break something that's working.
I'm also being careful not to dive headlong into too much right now. Several times in the past months, I was on a slow recovery trend but crashed after biting off more than I could chew. I'm going to take it slow, and enjoy feeling this way. I honestly can't say whether I've ever in my life had so little anxiety and worry.