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Transitioning into liminal space

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State of the Dog [Sep. 26th, 2017|12:00 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |depresseddepressed]

On Wednesday, HR at the place I applied had checked my references and said they'd get back to me, "most likely tomorrow", with the next steps. Yesterday, I emailed in the morning and left voice mail in the afternoon to follow up but still have not heard back. It seems I'm going to have to start a real job hunt again today. A friend had a dog-grooming position open a while back. If that's filled, I'm going to try various entry-level library things and whatever retail is around.

Yesterday was one of the more difficult days for me since coming back from New York. That makes it a difficult time to do a job search. When I look at anything that's more complicated than thoughtless retail, I find excuses to tell myself I'm completely incompetent and cannot do those things. I think if I still lived in Kenosha I'd try applying at Amazon fulfillment where I could just endlessly play gopher and be less likely to screw something up.

I know this is the anxiety and depression talking, but it has a commanding voice and I can't seem to find my earplugs.

I was having self-destructive thoughts yesterday, and was frequently on th edge of tears. I looked openly on Facebook for anybody who had time to come visit. No one was able to, though a few people responded with support and encouragement, which helped a little.

Our houseguest who left yesterday, in so many ways, lives the life I've always wanted and which doesn't seem possible. He has a well-paid job that he can do anywhere, and spends a great deal of time traveling all over the world. He's currently mostly living in a group-house in Alameda. He has sweeties and play-partners on various continents. We were talking about some overlapping difficulties we have with relationships these days. It helps to talk in-person with someone who has some of the same difficulties I do. At the same time, when, as an example of the difficulty he has forming relationships lately, he says that there have only been a couple new ones in the last year, it really doesn't help me feel better about not having any new partners for eight years or so.

I'm really not in a good headspace to try to find people to date or be play-partners with. It's a really bad idea. But I'm so frustrated sometimes that there are people for whom it is also a very bad idea and who just go out and do it anyway and have experiences I've longed for but am too I-don't-know-what to seek even though, in so many ways, I feel like I'd be a really good partner.

With any luck, I'll have a job someday that will let me talk to a therapist about these things. Someday...

I'm glad our houseguest was here 'cause he's a fantastic person, and he's a male-identified person who I feel safe expressing myself openly around thanks to his long history with Danae. (They were play-partners when she lived in the bay area.) I even had a really positive interaction wherein I expressed that, despite the trouble I have figuring out whether I'm feeling attraction or not, I felt safe and confident enough to express that I *think* I feel attraction to him. He responded with polite appreciation, and it felt like such a normal, positive interaction that it made me deeply happy.

But in so many ways just thinking about the things he's doing in his life make me feel hopeless; that there are all these things I want to do with my life and, whether through ability or opportunity, I'm just never going to be able to do them.
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2017|10:23 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |amusedamused]

At the Goodwill yesterday, Danae saw a Black family (Probably Dad and a couple of kids). The dad put on one of the Trump masks Goodwill is carrying. The kids ran up to him and said "Can I have your autograph?"

The dad said "Go away! I don't like Black people!" Danae laughed with them. I wish I had seen it.
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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2017|10:31 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |awakeawake]

While filling our houseguest in on my life in the last couple years, I talked about being in Syracuse for my master's program. Talking about urban geography theory and systemic inequality is often my grad school emotional rollercoaster in miniature. I get excited about the topic; how fascinating these systems are and how much could be done with them. Then I feel the depresson and futility I felt, especially in my urban social justice seminar, as I talk about how impossible it seems to make a difference.

As I talked to him over dinner, I paraphrased a thought from David Harvey that struck deep and has been in my mind since I read Harvey's "Social Justice and the City;" that one more study of man's inhumanity to man will do nothing to *stop* that inhumanity. I've sometimes wanted to talk to Harvey and ask him how he manages to keep fighting. I probably could/should have had that conversation with Don Mitchell, the professor who taught that seminar, at Syracuse, too, but I was suffering too much from imposter syndrome. (By the way; I haven't even received an official job offer yet for the place I interviewed at and I have imposter syndrome already. That's me!)

I ended up feeling really down in a hole last night. That mood always turns into depression over any number of things and situations that make me unhappy these days. That and the heat made it hard to sleep. I went out into the living room, pointed a fan at the couch (Danae has trouble sleeping with moving air on her), got Piper out of her crate to snuggle with, and eventually managed to sleep decently.
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2017|07:17 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |contentcontent]

I've replaced Piper's cracked, rescued-from-the-landfill food and water bowl set with a couple of nice-looking earthenware ones from the Goodwill, along with a metal tray to put them on so she doesn't spill all over the floor when drinking.

Piper is alarmed.

---

During my interview, the library director (the person I know from Parkside) told me that she thinks that I am a Helper. I feel the capitalization is merited in that she means in the sort of Fred Rogers, "look for the helpers" sense. That's one of the nicest compliments I've ever been given.

---

I just cooked pasta for us, and bacon is in the oven because it had to be used up anyway. Danae is suspicious of the bacon, but she doesn't have to eat any so it's alright.
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Interview [Sep. 10th, 2017|05:42 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |nervousnervous]

I need to get so interview clothes for this coming week! I haven't done a job interview in a reasonably professional setting for a long time and what little clothing I have no longer fits well. Or at all.

What do people wear these days to professional-type office-y interviews? I'm planning on just a button-down shirt with a tie and some nicer pants. Is a tie too much? Do I need a suit? Formality has changed a lot in the past years....
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2017|04:21 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
[State of Being |amusedamused]

Through a little Wikipedia surfing related to article coding I'm doing for Miriam, I am now aware of the "small penis rule" in writing fiction. Be enlightened.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_penis_rule
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2017|01:59 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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That was a rough run of days. I still have the headache that's been there for a day and a half, either from my crazy diet or readjusting to Bupropion (or both). But I went outside with Piper after waking up about twenty minutes ago and I thought about riding my bike for the first time in a week or so. Good sign!
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(no subject) [Sep. 9th, 2017|12:22 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |crazycrazy]

And my brain is mostly together again. At least, as together as it usually is. Which is a damned sight more so than it has been the last couple of days.

Thanks for bearing with me. And, as I've said before, if you feel it's appropriate to share memes or otherwise express sentiments that denigrate psychiatric medicine and suggest that people just need to get outdoors more, kindly fuck right off with your bullshit. Thanks! *hugs and kisses*

After sleeping for several more hours this evening, I sat on the couch and watched Donnie Darko while Danae played a game on her tablet. I haven't seen it in a long time, but then it's not really a movie I see myself sitting and watching frequently. It's solidly in one section of my taste in art though; things that seem like they ought to make some sense, but never quite all come together no matter how much you think about them. That's why I liked Douglas Adams so much growing up, I expect. I was going to watch Pontiac Moon next for something completely different, but Danae pointed out that it is bed time. She's smart.
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2017|04:49 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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Danae and I were walking when I got a phone call. Me: "Hi Doctor [name]. I'm ok, how are you?"

Danae in the background, yelling: "HE'S NOT OK!"

Finally have my prescription filled. Yay.
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(no subject) [Sep. 7th, 2017|07:21 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |stressedstressed]

For whatever reason, my healthcare provider has not renewed one of my prescriptions since I ran out at the beginning of the week and my brain is more addled than usual. I've asked about it three or four times now, but have not heard back. I may go there in person tomorrow. I'm staying home from my volunteer night with the dogs because I don't want to handle dogs without being a hundred percent sure I'm up to giving them the necessary concentration.

As I have mentioned to some folks, I left my job at Red Door. Part of what made that a tough choice is that it delays yet further me connecting with a therapist. It's deeply frustrating because I feel like starting therapy is the next step toward goals that have been taunting me, out of reach, for over a decade. I'd been so hopeful about having solid employment and being in a position where I could have good mental health coverage. It says something about how important it was to me to leave Red Door that I'm giving up that certainty for it.

That said, I have an interview coming up for a job I would love. I'm superstitious, I suppose, in that I won't say anything about it until I know more. But I'm very hopeful.

Danae and I have been listening to Lynn Flewelling's Tamir Triad. For complicated reasons, the born-female protagonist is magically made male until her early teens, at which point she becomes female.

The story has tugged on numerous threads in my brain. Earlier this week, in a reflection of some of what Tobin/Tamir was going through, I dreamed that I had changed sex and did not at all know how to act, dress, move, or otherwise enact an identity consistent with my body. Even right after waking, I couldn't remember whether I had changed from male to female or whether it was the other order. I'm not sure that it was clearly defined in the dream, because it doesn't really matter. I don't feel like I know how to be either binary gender anyway.

I may need to hold off on reading the rest of book three. I love Flewelling's work and its good enough to touch all these sources of confusion in my head. The feeling of non-belongingness I've had off and on for some time is fed by the things the book makes me think. That I'm not really anything and don't fit in anywhere when it comes to gender (or other things for that matter, but mostly gender in this context).

I'm so stressy today. I slept most of the day and now I just keep eating and eating....
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