|State of the Dog
||[Sep. 26th, 2017|12:00 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
On Wednesday, HR at the place I applied had checked my references and said they'd get back to me, "most likely tomorrow", with the next steps. Yesterday, I emailed in the morning and left voice mail in the afternoon to follow up but still have not heard back. It seems I'm going to have to start a real job hunt again today. A friend had a dog-grooming position open a while back. If that's filled, I'm going to try various entry-level library things and whatever retail is around.
Yesterday was one of the more difficult days for me since coming back from New York. That makes it a difficult time to do a job search. When I look at anything that's more complicated than thoughtless retail, I find excuses to tell myself I'm completely incompetent and cannot do those things. I think if I still lived in Kenosha I'd try applying at Amazon fulfillment where I could just endlessly play gopher and be less likely to screw something up.
I know this is the anxiety and depression talking, but it has a commanding voice and I can't seem to find my earplugs.
I was having self-destructive thoughts yesterday, and was frequently on th edge of tears. I looked openly on Facebook for anybody who had time to come visit. No one was able to, though a few people responded with support and encouragement, which helped a little.
Our houseguest who left yesterday, in so many ways, lives the life I've always wanted and which doesn't seem possible. He has a well-paid job that he can do anywhere, and spends a great deal of time traveling all over the world. He's currently mostly living in a group-house in Alameda. He has sweeties and play-partners on various continents. We were talking about some overlapping difficulties we have with relationships these days. It helps to talk in-person with someone who has some of the same difficulties I do. At the same time, when, as an example of the difficulty he has forming relationships lately, he says that there have only been a couple new ones in the last year, it really doesn't help me feel better about not having any new partners for eight years or so.
I'm really not in a good headspace to try to find people to date or be play-partners with. It's a really bad idea. But I'm so frustrated sometimes that there are people for whom it is also a very bad idea and who just go out and do it anyway and have experiences I've longed for but am too I-don't-know-what to seek even though, in so many ways, I feel like I'd be a really good partner.
With any luck, I'll have a job someday that will let me talk to a therapist about these things. Someday...
I'm glad our houseguest was here 'cause he's a fantastic person, and he's a male-identified person who I feel safe expressing myself openly around thanks to his long history with Danae. (They were play-partners when she lived in the bay area.) I even had a really positive interaction wherein I expressed that, despite the trouble I have figuring out whether I'm feeling attraction or not, I felt safe and confident enough to express that I *think* I feel attraction to him. He responded with polite appreciation, and it felt like such a normal, positive interaction that it made me deeply happy.
But in so many ways just thinking about the things he's doing in his life make me feel hopeless; that there are all these things I want to do with my life and, whether through ability or opportunity, I'm just never going to be able to do them.