||[Feb. 19th, 2019|01:13 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
Yesterday was full of closet organizing! I bagged and moved lots of stuff that doesn't fit me and then organized several machine-loads of clean clothes that had been on the floor for a while. In the middle, I turned on my HEPA air filter in the middle because my voice and throat were suffering from dust. I also washed all my new clothes and hung them to dry on the folding rack. Tonight I'll put them away and feel all organized and content.
This Saturday, on a trip to the Field Museum with Erik, I'm going to wear some of my new clothes Nathan helped me shop for. I do not have personal experience as a trans-woman to compare to, but it feels like maybe it's harder or scarier for me to go out wearing clothes and a hairstyle I think is cute and fem but with facial hair than making an attempt to 'pass' would be. People unapologetically rejecting binary gender seem rather less common than people who adhere more closely to a binary gender category that doesn't match their sex. I will be seen by a lot of people as a walking joke. It's hard to weigh so many viewpoints against each other; how I want to look and feel to myself vs. how I want to be seen by people I care about (which I worry about too) vs. how I'd like to be seen by strangers in various contexts.
I think it might have been easier for me if I'd started figuring this out when I was younger like a lot of NB folks. Regardless of that, though, it's not going to get much easier very quickly given the current bitter fighting between society's progressive and conservative social ideals.
I'd like to think that a more authentic mode of self-expression will help me find more community that I fit in with. I'm not sure though, since I'm really bad at finding community in general. If I'm not putting myself at risk of losing my health and/or source of income though, (and I don't think I am, though I'm still a long way from trying to be clearly NB at work), maybe just being me will help me...be me.