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Transitioning into liminal space

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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2019|07:38 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |happyhappy]

I've meant to write about a bunch of stuff from the couple days I was visiting with Erik last week, but I wanted to get pictures to accompany the narrative. I haven't managed to do that yet, so you'll have to manage without.

One of the biggest things was that he took me to his local tattoo and piercing shop to get my ears pierced. I've kind of wanted to do that for quite a long time now, but never took action on it.*

I wasn't sure how much pain would be involved in the piercing. Erik's housemate said we should get my first piercing on video! It really wasn't painful enough to react much to though. The pleasant endorphin rush lasted longer than I expected too; I love that peaceful, mildly light-headed feeling I had for an hour or so after.

We also went shoe-shopping. After finding that the first Payless we tried had already closed down, we found another that still had a lot of stock. I was only interested in flats. Things with heels always seemed kind of silly to me. Why would I walk around on an intentionally sloped surface? It sounds like it would be bad for my feet, and at 5'11" I'm tall enough already without wanting to look taller. Especially if I'm presenting more fem.

Then Erik brought over some wedges with a two or three inch heel for me to try and it was one of the fastest mental one-eighties I can remember having. They were so CUTE and I instantly wanted to try them on! I ended up with several pairs of shoes, and advice from another woman with large feet who was shopping there on where to look for larger women's shoes. She seemed so excited to help!

We tried Torrid afterward where I found a couple of things on clearance; price-reduced, plus on buy-one-get-one. So I got another pair of even nicer wedges, and some knee-length boots!

This new relationship with clothes and shoes is strange. I've described it as similar to how I suddenly began to care about my hair once it was long. Before that it was a non-entity. My clothes were basically a non-entity for a long time after that, until I realized, with some help and encouragement from Danae, that among the many styles of jeans and pants out there are some that I actively liked! Suddenly, I had a preference for pants and could look for them at thrift stores. Wearing more fem clothes is a similar experience. I actually care about what I'm wearing, and it's new and fun and scary as I worry about getting it wrong.

It's good to have more shoes to choose from. I felt a bit awkward wearing worn-out old hiking shoes with otherwise light and colorful outfits.

*That's one of the awesome things about Erik, by the way. When we talk about doing something, his response is often something like 'Great! Let's plan a day for it!" He's been responsible for me doing a bunch of stuff that might otherwise just have been idle thoughts, and it's fantastic! Having someone who nudges me to get out and do things is just enough encouragement to overcome the inertia that often keeps me sitting at home because I can't get myself to just get up and do something even if know I'd enjoy it.
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(no subject) [May. 15th, 2019|12:41 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |excitedexcited]

My manager saw me using a slide rule and we chatted about them. He mentioned he had a couple that he'd give me if he turned them up. This morning, he gave me a Post Versatrig 1450 that he picked up a few years ago at a yard sale!

It's newer than my Post Versalog. The case is faux-leather instead of the real thing. But that leather case really needs some TLC before I can clip it on my belt and use it. The Versatrig also has a belt-clip case, and it's in fine shape except for being a little tight. I'll try and stretch it out a bit.

As were most Post rules, this one is made by Hemmi, a company in Japan, of bamboo with (I think) celluloid facing. The manufacture date is August of 1967.

Post Versatrig 1450 Slide Rule
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(no subject) [May. 15th, 2019|08:43 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |hopefulhopeful]

I'm a shape-changer! Anxiety and depression since Syracuse have prodded my body toward significant change of form. Now that I'm back to biking most days, I checked to see how much my shape has changed. It changed by about fifty-to-sixty pounds. I hope, this year, to revert to a previous shape that was more conducive to long bike rides and mountainous hiking trips. Not to mention less pain in the knees and ankles.
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(no subject) [May. 14th, 2019|08:14 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |amusedamused]

While adding someone to the library database:

Me: I'll need a home or work address.

Patron: *Provides an address in Dixmoor*

Me: "Oh, I got my car towed there once!"

Patron: "Most people have no idea where it is!"
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2019|12:27 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
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[State of Being |awakeawake]

The last few days have been a reminder that you can, in fact, be happy and depressed at the same time! Brains are weird, aren't they?

I got up around 8 yesterday morning to take the dog out. I remember anticipating a bunch of unstructured time at home, after spending a lot of Saturday at work and away from home. I even asked myself out loud, in an optimistic moment "what do I want to accomplish today?"

But I ended up spending the majority of the day sleeping. The hard reboot seems to have helped; I'm feeling ok today, other than a slight headache.

The one thing I managed to do yesterday was fix the flat on my bike tire. It was hard to muster the will, but I know how good it is for me to be riding so I finally made myself. I took stuff apart and just couldn't find a leak on the inner tube. I even ran it through a filled sink to look for air bubbles. Either I missed it somehow, or someone let the air out of my just my back tire while I was at work on Saturday.
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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2019|10:28 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
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A Facebook memory from six years ago that popped up; me in costume as Timothy Leary for a history class discussion. We all were to dress as the figure we had written our term paper on and have a discussion about politics from their points of view. That was fun!

A friend on Facebook asked: "Tim! How do you stay so youthful? Especially when you're, er, dead?"

"No, no," I responded, "I'm just outside looking in."


Myself in costume as Timothy Leary for a history class presentation
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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2019|07:51 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
[Tags|]
[State of Being |happyhappy]

I spent the last couple of days on a mini-vacation. Erik's job doesn't usually allow for two days off in a row, so when it did I shifted my schedule around a bit to join him. We did so much fantastic stuff that I need to write about and post pictures of! But the best part was just having two days with my boyfriend. I'm so happy today!
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2019|09:42 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[State of Being |hopefulhopeful]

There's so much in the mental air this week. Danae is waiting to hear back on a post-doc/fellowship that she deeply wants. They said they'd get back to her at the end of last week. I was pretty convinced they wouldn't but she was hoping and is stressing. If she *does* get it, we could be moving as soon as June, so that's making her pretty stressy too, not being able to plan for the future. Me, I guess I'm just not really thinking about it until it becomes a reality. Then, since I know we'll make it work, we'll make it work. But it's become clear to me that I didn't quite grasp how rough this is for her. I hope we'll know soon, one way or another.

We've also been talking about the possibility of having a child. We've talked about it on and off for years, considering different plans of action and their timing. She's on meds that keep her functional and are not compatible with pregnancy. Adoption is stupidly expensive. She's floated the idea of, if she does *not* find a post-doc, taking a year off, managing without meds (she has idiopathic hypersomnolence and will sleep for 14 hours a day or so if she's not constantly on the legal equivalent of speed, and that's not to mention mental health meds) and actually going through the process of creating a kid herself. Thinking about that in depth has been a surprise to me, since I'd thought we'd decided that would just not be workable. If we were going to do it, and could get support from her parents, this would probably be the time. But I'm not sure that it would be a good choice in the long run. We're not sure that we could pass a home study for an adoption, though, if we are living the kind of lives we want as poly people who like living with house mates. We've looked at the idea of surrogacy too, which is a whole other set of complications, legal, financial, and ethical.

And of course making choice about those things is *also* reliant on us figuring out timing of employment and living situation, so that's all tied up in hear hearing back too. It's a lot for her to manage.

--

I've planned a couple of days this week with Erik since he has Tuesday and Wednesday off. I've really been looking forward to it because I know it might be one of the few times I get a couple days at a time with him before I'm not in the area anymore. Danae thought that she'd have heard back by now and my absence wouldn't be difficult for her. Instead, if she's still in the dark while I'm away, that will be really hard on her. She has not asked me to cancel, and I really appreciate that. If she had, I told her, we would have had to have a serious conversation about deciding how to manage poly and prior commitments. But I do feel distressed that the timing is what it is. I suggested that we plan all having dinner together on Wednesday, and that we keep in touch frequently. I'll be sure to be available for calls if she needs to talk. These things are all very important and poly can be hard. For her part, she's hoping she'll hear some news, preferably good but at least *something*, today. She sent a follow up email this morning expressing how excited she is about hearing back.

---

I managed to bike to work today with days worth of clothes, a large book I sold to ship, and camera gear! I wanted my big lens for photos with Erik! It's not that nifty a lens, to be honest; just an average telephoto. But it sure is impressive to look at!

My nail polish is a color that the library director where I work bought for me! I love my coworkers.

A large telephoto lens
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2019|09:30 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
[Tags|]
[State of Being |geekygeeky]

To do cubes and cube roots on my slide rule I need to use scales that are not next to each other. Because the cursor for this rule is broken, I don't really have a way to line those scales up for comparison. More motivation to figure out how to print a replacement cursor frame!

(Of course I could do them on a different rule, too, but I like being able to take a cheap simple one around with me so I don't lose one of the nicer ones.)
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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2019|12:47 pm]
Transitioning into liminal space
During lunch at work and when I don't have other stuff to do, I'm going through math on Khan Academy. I'm still brushing up on algebra before I get to the new stuff and I'm being constantly amazed at how much easier it is and how much more sense it makes than my memories of high school math.

I think math is taught, or at least was taught to me, as a process of rote memorization. I was taught the mechanical motions to go through to flip an equation around, then had to do 30 repetitions as homework to ensure it was memorized. I don't feel like I got a handle on theory.

That may be unfair; I don't know what mathematical instruction is really like in primary and secondary school, and maybe I just wasn't getting it. But as I've gone through the units on different forms of linear equations, for example, it feels like a completely different experience.

I can intuitively understand why one form is better than another for different purposes when expressing a two variable linear equation. I can flip them around with only a little mental arithmetic because I can picture the line they are describing as I think about moving numbers around. I can do four or five problems and, if I decide I understand it well enough, can move on to the next thing at my own pace.

I wish all students could be taught by tutors and have this kind of learning experience with someone who could move them ahead much faster than a generic process could.

On a side note, as I sit practicing with a pen and steno pad, I have a slide rule next to me for arithmetic and I'm becoming pretty confident with multiplication and division on it too! (In fact, the slide rule is the one in my user icon for this post. My simplest one, it's a Pickett Microline 120 in eye-saver yellow.)

I told a coworker what I was doing and he said it sounded like torture to him. Which is funny, but makes me a little sad about public perception of the nature and difficulty of these skills too.
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