||[Dec. 6th, 2018|09:14 am]
Transitioning into liminal space
I spent a while in therapy on the topic of conventions. (Here referring to sci-if/fantasy conventions of the sort I grew up going to with my parents and that I've attended sporadically on my own as an adult.)
I talked about why the programming feels frustrating and how room parties are usually loud and noisy enough to be scary and how I don't know how to meet anyone there I don't already know, and how I don't know if the people I already know who go to them are interested in doing things with me anyway.
"Maybe," they said, "and this is just an idea, you don't actually like conventions?"
What an odd thought. It's actually contrary to some of my self-identity. As a kid, I didn't fit in anywhere except with my family and at conventions where, not coincidentally, I was with my family. I could look around at all the people in costume or carrying bags of gaming stuff and feel like these were people like me. I grew up thinking that those events would be a big part of my social life. Being happy somewhere as a kid, though, doesn't mean you'll fit in there as an adult. Like queer people in very small towns.
A lot of my experiences at cons with my ex were negative. And even without her, being alone at them makes me feel awkward and anxious. Maybe I could alleviate that through working at them and having a sense of purpose. But I don't know if it's what I really want.
What I really want is to be in environments where I can be around just a small group of people and have more intimate conversations than I know how to have at cons. If I knew a group of people to go with it might be different. Maybe that will happen in the future.
So I'm going to look for that and let cons be for now. I feel a mix of negative feelings about them; regret, frustration, anger, sadness. I don't need that. I need something new.
I'm going to try local, recurring, small-scale stuff. I'm planning on a crafting and cuddle event on the 22nd, and a poly meet-up at a restaurant/pub this coming Monday.
My anxiety instills a lot of fear in me that if I don't do everything just right with a new group of people that I will end up alienating them all and losing my chance to get to know them. This is silly and I don't think it will keep me from going.
Another significant barrier is that when it comes time to go somewhere, I never seem to actually want to get dressed and leave the condo. It's actually *really* hard to overcome that inertia. I don't know how to deal with that other than by just somehow forcing myself to do it.